Throughout the greater part of the beginning of this year, I battled a hundred thousand different emotions that always seemed to overwhelm me. At any given moment, I could switch from overjoyed to absolutely depressed. I don’t use that word lightly as I often considered if that was truly my issue, or if there was some mental block that I hadn’t realized yet. Let’s just say that even I was getting whiplash from my emotional swings and I wanted to be rid of them ASAP. I couldn’t imagine how my husband felt hearing me talk about my frustrations, my angers, and my joys all from the same hour in my day.
While I found a few different answers to my emotional roller coaster question, I didn’t figure one out until last night. I’ve been happy, truly happy, for about three months now. Work doesn’t bother me near as much as it used to, I’ve thrown myself into writing, reading, and hiking, and I let a lot of things roll of my back just like I used to let them do prior to my rut. I felt like myself again, but better. Why?
I did a little digging today about confidence and insecurity. According to Pathway to Happiness, self-confidence is all about emotion and not self-image. We live in a world that is all about self-image and attaining this perfect sense of self. At bus stops, in music videos, on television, and even in songs we are reminded of what the perfect version of what a person should be. We learn to think that if we attain that “perfect self”, we’ll be happy. So we work and we work hard for this image we’ve built. Progress is good, however, we lose track and base all our emotional energy on being this image that might, for a lot of us, be unattainable.
In short, we forget the journey and focus only on the destination.
That was my problem.
I was focused on getting my dream job, publishing a book, lamenting my lack of effort in photography, wanting to hike all the time, and somehow fit in cooking dinner every night. I wanted all the end results and forgot to enjoy the pathway there. This resulted in me being down, angry, and, at times, very lonely. Now, anyone who knows me might think that’s ridiculous considering the amount of people I have around me, but I felt like I didn’t fit. I always felt like I was lacking a part to make me like everyone else. A part that was making people “perfect”. I was too out of shape to hike with others, too fat to go shopping with some girls, too wishy-washy in my wants for the future for a job I had wanted a year ago, too inexperienced with the writing world, too this, too that, blah blah blah.
Are you exhausted and bored of that dribble? I was too.
Without ever reading the website, I did just as it suggested. I took apart the vision of who I wanted to be, and replaced the unattainable parts with good milestones. I will never be a tall leggy blonde, but I can lose a few pounds. I might never go spelunking, but I can climb a few trails around here. I might never publish a book, but I sure can finish one and feel good about it.
In these last few months, I started feeling happy because I was making progress. I lost twenty-five pounds and fit into some shorts from college. Who cares if I’m still overweight? I’ll get there. I hiked a trail yesterday that would make last year me gawk. I was the slowest turtle in the race, but I did it. I’m also almost finished writing my book. Will it get published? Who knows. The point is, I’m working and I’m trying and as long as I keep doing that, then that is the perfect sense of self for me.
Boat Against the Current 